Saturday, July 7, 2012

In the Process of Processing

Being back in the states this week has not been the easiest thing for me. I miss my little ones at the myLIFEspeaks home. I want to hold my precious Clevins and rock him as he rests. I want to play soccer with Stephens. I want to try to calm Evens down...not sure that’s possible...that kid goes 100+mph all day! I want the tiny hands of my sweet little girls to hold mine. I want to look in all their faces and see Jesus as clearly as I did while I was there.

It’s been hard to be back in an air conditioned house, car and office knowing that there is a village that only 10% have electricity (and they don’t really have that legally). I’m not saying what we have here is bad or that we shouldn’t have it. I’m not saying that at all. America is a blessed country...one may argue maybe a little too blessed. We have such great freedoms, such great opportunities. We teach kids that they can be whatever they want to be. We teach them about their rights and freedoms. All the while just a short hour and half away the second poorest country in the western hemisphere is just looking for enough food to get them through the week.

I’m reading Compelled by Love by Heidi Baker right now and I’m feeling convicted today. I’m not convicted because I’m not doing enough for Haiti or the countries in Africa. I’m feeling convicted because it is somehow so much easier for me to be love incarnate to the physically poor, hungry and thirsty. And somehow the poor here in America...the orphan in spirit...doesn’t seem to be as easy to be love incarnate.

I’m a doer. I see a need, I do what I can to supply whatever is in lack. I can do something about someone being hungry or thirsty. I can give someone clothes if they lack. I can find shelter for someone. I want to see immediate results from the things I do.

Helping an orphan spirit is more about being than doing. Being there. Making time. Having compassion. An orphan in spirit can not be fixed by doing things for them.

And that’s where the tension in me is...finding the balance between the doing and being here in the States. It wasn’t hard to do this in Haiti, but here in the States I seem to lower the level of compassion.

I’m not saying that I don’t love people here or love them well. I think I have by the grace of God. I invest in those around me. I truly love people.

I am saying that for some reason I have viewed one type of ministry as being higher than the other...or of greater significance or worth. When truth says pain is pain - physically or emotionally. When I comfort or mourn with one in pain it’s no different than when I feed the tummy that has hunger pains. It’s all unto Jesus. He doesn’t rate it on a scale of significance. So, why have I?

I’m learning to lean and depend on my Jesus wholly. I’m learning to be. Doing is good and right, but the being is just as important.

Many have asked why I haven’t moved into full time missions yet. Well, I am in full time missions. I am just learning how to be to the one in front of me wherever I am. For the time being God has not told me to go. Until He calls me to go I will be here. I will continue to learn to be completely dependent on Him and freely give what He’s given me. I will chose to remember that I am in full time ministry.

“Ministry is simply about loving the person in front of you. It’s about stopping for the one and being the very fragrance of Jesus to a lost and dying world. A minister is simply a sent one. You might only be sent across the street, but it does not matter. To God, whether it is to one or the masses, it is the same - it is love incarnate.” Heidi Baker